There are no words that come to mind
I don’t know what to say
Another time, another place
I held you on this day
Just a moment of your day
Is all that you could spare
A fool believed there would be
Many more to share
No gifts from me do you get
No wishes to come true
Instead, I hope this day will bring
just a better you
Today was once a day that centered around Cinco DeMayo for me but ever since Kirsten’s birthday in 2009, it means nothing more than memories of Kirsten and Eric. Not good memories.
I met Eric 7 years ago today but it haunts me as if it were yesterday. I know there is no way to erase him or the events from my mind so I just have to deal with it. Writing is how I deal with it. I will finish writing the story at some point when I have time. That may be helpful to someone in the future and perhaps it will save someone else from going through what I did.
I do not know why I am writing this exactly. I just have this intense feeling that Eric is not doing well at the moment. I think he is in pain and very tired. This is unknown and I will never know if I am right or not. It is an overwhelming feeling I have and I cannot explain why I have it. It is not a new thing for me to feel this way and I never have control over it. Maybe I am wrong and imagining things, maybe not, but I will never know. True or not, it is exhausting for me. Maybe writing it down will help me let go of it.
Today’s the day he’ll celebrate the moment he was born
Like all the times before, it leaves me feeling torn
I want to wish peace and love, let go of all the pain
But still I find it hard, the memories still remain
I wish this day could just go by and not stay on my mind
I try to find distractions but peace I do not find
There’s nothing much for me to say about his day of birth
I wish him truth and conscience, for all that it is worth.
I spend much of my time reflecting on my time with Eric but of course at this time of the year I think of the actual day we got married and the days that surrounded it. This week I read an article about some generic anti-depressants being pulled from the market because of some serious side effects. I had to wonder if those were one of the drugs Eric was prescribed. I never did like the medication and really wanted to approach his depression from a different direction. It’s all history now but it is as if it happened yesterday. Writing a poem helps me deal with all the emotions that I feel.
We stood and said our vows just five years ago
I think about that day more than he’ll ever know
A distance in his eyes that I cannot forget
His eyes were not the same as when we two had met
I should have just said no, let’s find another day
His heart and soul cried out, I could not walk away
So near and yet so far, he would not hear my pleas
No matter what I tried, the pain I could not ease
To think about that day fills me with great sorrow
I turn now from the dark to find a bright tomorrow